Sunday, June 29, 2008

The Future-seeing Device

Some satire, some parody; take anything herein seriously at your own risk. (Rated “PG”)

Translated and constructed by archaeologists and engineers from UC Berkeley, the drawings describe a Quatrain-vision 1080P HD monitor that enables the viewer to see the world yet to come.

Following several lengthy viewing sessions, the group documented some observations of life as it will be.

The observations have been organized into major subjects areas spanning several decades.

The World

The “Safer World for Our Children” treaty was ratified in December when the world’s powers destroyed all of their nuclear stockpiles and committed to abolishing all warlike actions. The treaty is hailed as the “end of all hostilities and the start of a peaceful future for our children.”

The following day, Iran announced they just remembered where they had misplaced their secret nuclear arsenal and demanded that the entire world surrender immediately.

Our Unconditional Peace Negotiator, D. Licious O’Bama was caught off guard by Iran’s move, he believed them to be benign and thought that they liked us, they really, really, liked us.

Kim Him-Hung, North Korea’s Dear Leader, threatened to boycott all dismantlement and arms freeze agreements and resume non-testing of its non-existent nuclear program (if it had one).

Orbiting spy satellites observed that there was not a golf-umbrella-sized mushroom cloud evident at one of North Korea’s test facilities. Based on North Korea’s history, that would have been a successful non-test.

Israelistine is back at the negotiating table, attempting to resolve decades-old issues with itself. So far, the only agreement has North Gaza firing rockets into South Gaza on even-numbered days, while South Gaza returns fire to the north on odd-numbered days.

Politics and Government

Having recently replaced the U.S. Supreme Court as the country’s highest judicial authority, the California-based Ninth Circuit issued its first ruling; it found that the Constitution was unconstitutional. Based on the Ninth Circuit's history, the ruling will be overturned as soon as it's appealed.

The court also repealed all federal laws and noted that old laws were too strict and did not allow an opportunity for a “do-over.” Penalties for breaking a law were uncivilized and downright nasty and didn’t mitigate punishment when the offender was really, really sorry.

All “old” laws have been replaced by Judicial Suggestions and in a rare case of accord; the court voted unanimously to require that all Suggestions begin with the word “Please.”

The U.S. no longer votes for a president. Our “Dear Savior” is now selected by exit poll votes taken from shoppers leaving Sam’s Club, Costco, Wal-Mart and Target. Ms. Willemina Clinton (Chelsea's daughter, known as “slick Willemina”) is in her final term as our leader.

A Board of Ministers has replaced the old House and Senate congressional bodies. No longer are citizens inconvenienced by those pesky elections, the new governing board is bi-partisan, being composed of equal numbers of liberal progressives and progressive liberals.

All weapons have been outlawed. Included are any objects that might “do harm,” including (but not limited to): yardsticks, rulers, brooms, mops, hoes (not ho’s), nail clippers, starched cloth, and all stiff paper (vicious paper cuts).

While citizens are not allowed to possess weapons of any sort, there is a flourishing underground market for pearl handled paperweights, stainless candlesticks, and camo bookends.

Jails and prisons have been abolished in favor of Focus Centers. A stay in one of the centers is challenging – meals consist of overdone croissants, domestic cheese, and generic wine. Leisure suits for men and burqas for women are polyester (gag) and a Starbucks break wagon only stops once a week. It’s a truly horrid place.

Guests are encouraged to be friendly by picking up the soap when dropped in the communal shower. Introductions are suggested when entering (both the shower and showerer).

Unrepentant offenders are required to attend Dr. Phil lectures, participate in group hugs, and fondle elderly staff members. An especially repugnant offense gets the offender fondle-time with 83-year-old Mrs. Ginger Vitus, the 330 lb. head enema matron.

The Ninth Circuit is currently reviewing whether forced fondling of the elderly constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. Wrinkle count, belly overlap, and degree of sag imposed by gravity will be factors determining the presence of cruelty.

Homes and Living

All homes will be “boxes made of ticky tacky and they’ll all look just the same.”

Cigarettes are banned but medicinal marijuana is widespread. Usage is at an all-time high; the majority of the adult population now has prescriptions. Chief among the causal elements is BDS (Bush Derangement Syndrome). Decades after his presidency, everything that is wrong anywhere, with anything, is still blamed on Bush. It's amazing how he could have fathered several thousand kids, stolen checks from the mail and eaten schoolkids homework?

To prevent price-gouging and hoarding of munchies, the government has imposed strict price controls on Cheetos, Ding Dongs, and chili dogs.
[On a positive note, the government continues to add snack foods to the Strategic Munchie Reserve].

Based on the universal recognition of the “middle-finger salute”, a new series of finger displays has been created to allow an expression of roadway appreciation to be conveyed without words. For example, some of the new finger signs represent: “thanks for cutting me off,” “I appreciate sitting through another red light,” "it's ok, I'll find another parking space," and “please drive slower, I’m in no hurry.”

All humans are now traceable via GPS since organic RFID transmitters have been introduced into the body via colorful “Bozo the Clown” suppositories.

Electronic detectors are located at the entrance(s) of all stores and offices. In addition to scanning for weapons, explosives, and unpaid merchandise, the devices also screen for objectionable odors. Sensing a stinky individual, the device “puffs” a powerful disinfectant into the area and automatically super-glues a tree-shaped deodorizer to the person’s clothing.

Groceries are ordered from web sites and delivered by UPS. Sophisticated software allows “picking up” an item and turning it on any axis to view any part of the package. Obviously missing is the tactile sensation of squeezing a fruit or vegetable. To address the need for squeeze, professional “fluffers” at shipping warehouses provide squeezing and feeling services as required by the customer.

The professional fluffer position has additional benefits; they are highly sought after on dating websites. In particular, those who specialize in banana and cucumber are in demand by males, while lemon, orange, and grapefruit handlers are prized by females.

The Environment

The government has mandated the reduction of personal body temperatures from 98.6 to 97.4 to reduce global warming. Any citizen with a temperature above the baseline (97.4) is subject to ice water enemas until body temperature returns to “normal.”

Citizens are required to skip every other breath (to reduce CO2 emissions) and to release flatulence only in their own homes (or be fitted with a personal fart-scrubber).

Global warming advocate Al Gore filed suit to have each recording station’s devices tested to find any uncounted degrees that might be left hanging about. West Palm Beach monitoring officials had difficulty in identifying whether a temperature had been recorded in Celsius or Fahrenheit (some stations reported both, calling the results into question).

When energy companies began selling Carbon Offsets based on planting marijuana plants instead of trees, the resulting offsets quickly exceeded greenhouse gasses by 11,759%.

Refuse matter from the farms fuel the new alternative marijuana-burning power plants. As an added economic benefit, real estate downwind of the power plants is selling like crazy.

PETV (People for the Ethical Treatment of Vermin) has finally succeeded in adding cockroaches to the endangered species list. Any activity that disrupts a cockroach’s lifestyle is prohibited. The ban specifically prohibits turning on a kitchen light at night.

With polluted air no longer restraining their natural evolution, some butterflies have grown to enormous size. Some, like the Mega-mouth Mothra (Cessnus gigantus), have been seen carrying off dogs, cats, and small scooters.


Immigration policies were completely restructured so that Turf Stylists and Fruit Acquisition Specialists (and their families) automatically become “citizens” upon crossing the “plane” of the southern U.S. border.

As a result of the new immigration policies, Mexico’s entire population has immigrated to the U.S. - Mexico is now empty.

With large concentrations of new citizens flexing their political muscle, the state previously known as “Texas” will be renamed “Texico,” California is being renamed “Tacofornia,” and efforts are underway in Arizona to change that state’s name to “Refried Arizona.”

Borders are no longer strict lines based on geography but are designated as areas of Territorial Transition. While the sizes of these areas vary, the huge TTs usually receive the most attention.

The contentious issue of amnesty was put to rest by hiring all undocumented amigos into government jobs. The new employees were easily trained by existing bureaucrats to adopt the usual government employee attitudes of belligerence and hostility.

One of the most sought-after new jobs is Terrorist Screener. With profiling forbidden, terrorists must voluntarily self-identify themselves and specify “murder and mayhem” as the purpose for their visit. Absent such evidence, the new immigrant is welcomed. So far, the new program has been hailed as a success since no terrorists have been identified.


Called ACME-Care, the universal healthcare program covers everything, cradle-to-grave, for every citizen. Even state-of-the-art procedures like leaching, blood-letting, and epoxy enemas are fully covered.

Though largely unsuccessful in his previous attempts, Minister of Health W. E. Coyote, is leading the research to find a vaccine for the elusive Roadrunner strain of bird-flu.

As a result of his personal participation in the bird-flu research, Mr. Coyote contracted the dreaded “meep meep” virus and periodically has relapses causing unusual accidental injuries (mostly involving mountains, jet power, or TNT).

Being overweight is no longer a problem. Fat suctioning has become common. Fortunately, ACME-Care covers all procedures that suck, like: thighposuction and rumposuction. And, with a nod towards recycling, the removed fat is then rendered into the cooking oil used by fast food chains.

Under ACME-Care, the onset of an illness must be scheduled in advance and requires a 10-day wait period prior to treatment. Accidents must also be scheduled but only require a 3-day wait.
NOTE: Please be patient when scheduling an accident or illness, ACME-Care Schedulers are not required to speak English and have difficulty with any concept more complex than chewing gum.

Explosive Diarrhea is exempt from scheduling but requires a 48 hour notice to dispatch a hazmat hose-down of walls, floors, and innocent bystanders.

The new drug powerhouse Price-Spitzer, Inc. has received FDA approval for two new drugs, Obamacillin and Obamamycin. Dubbed the “Messiah Drugs”, they have been responsible for complete eradication of jock itch, yeast infections, hair loss, and constipation.

Commercial companies have secured contracts with ACME-Care. For example, IKEA offers stylish Scandinavian replacement organs. Oscar Meyer and Kwik Kar operate chains of clinics that install and service the replacement lips, noses, ears, toes, etc., and Fancy Feast provides used-organ disposal services.

Always popular, Pep Boys drive-thru cosmetic surgery centers are also covered. They are known for their “buy one, get one free” promotions. Manny, Moe, and Jack happily provide personal hands-on after-care for boob jobs (boobs are big at Pep Boys), with buttockal reductions following close behind.

Due to their popularity, equine penile transplants are no longer covered under ACME-Care. They’re now available only at auctions conducted by Sotheby’s and Christie’s where the lots are identified as “Penis by the Pound.”

Woodup and Limpbegon are replacements for Viagra and Cialis. The new ED drugs utilize a two part formula (Extender and Hardener) that activates when applied vigorously to the member.
WARNING: African-American men should not apply in a confined space such as a small bathroom, phone booth, or while in line at the DMV.

As a limited time promotional package, Woodup comes with nifty toss-rings and horseshoes. Not to be outdone, Limpbegon is offering small national flags and sock puppets.

The Population

Schools are no longer necessary; knowledge is no longer necessary; thinking is no longer necessary. All actions, reflexes and responses necessary for human life have been neurologically implanted by subliminal directives hidden in beer and feminine hygiene commercials.

In order to filter out imperfect human specimens, science now manipulates individual DNA elements prior to birth. Consulting with a Genetic “Chef”, parents select a “base” male or female model (other genders available in California) with optional features and upgrades chosen from a series of menus.

“Standard” children are assigned randomized DNA code and only a few include any premium attributes. Topping the premium options available for females are: blue eyes, blond hair, big boobs, and a tiny tush (all selections from the “Appetizer” menu). For males, the jumbo penis is the most popular upgrade from the “Meat” menu.

Native IQ on standard male models defaults to 80 and females to 90. Because of cross-genetic hybridization, the female logic quotient lags approx. 27 points behind that of males while their emotional code is generally about 41 points higher. It is no wonder that men and women have difficulty communicating. Sixty-eight points is the same spread as was measured between a human male and a snail darter fish.


The U.S. Athletics Commission found that there were too many sports and determined to consolidate them. The new sports are less competitive yet still provide excitement, exercise, and personal fulfillment. As in all activities, losing is prohibited; scores are adjusted so that all participant win.

Sockey combines soccer and hockey. It’s played on an ice rink (pitch) measuring 105 meters by 75 meters. Hockey sticks have been classified as weapons and are outlawed. Instead, the players kick “butt.” The butt replaces a soccer ball and is an air-inflated rubber, buttock-shaped object.

Foosketball is a combination of football and basketball. Played with a football, the ball must be dribbled down the field rather than held in a player’s hand(s). Dribbling a football is tough (it bounces unpredictably) and teams score only when the foosketball is kicked through a window of a vintage Morris Minor that is doing doughnuts around the field.

Tolf uses aspects taken from both golf and tennis. Golf clubs and racquets are classified as weapons and are banned. A NERF-type ball is swatted with the hand and directed towards hanging rings in an effort to pass the ball through the ring. Teams are mixed foursomes and ride HoverRounds while maneuvering to avoid hazards (baby kittens and tiny puppies), scurrying about on the arena floor.

Track athletics were revised so that all runners start and finish at the same time (those finishing too early are penalized). Starter pistols are outlawed and runners “go” when the starter dog barks. Hurdles are banned because they are too hard to jump and someone could get hurt.

Relay runners must now pass gas at the “handoff” since batons are outlawed as possible weapons. To run a good race, a runner must avoid positioning him/herself behind any other runner, especially in the four-farty relay.

Dangerous shot put and hammer throws have been replaced with balloon throws. The use of a balloon is temporary since PETB (People for the Ethical Treatment of Balloons) has filed suit claiming the events disrespect the balloon’s place in the cosmos.

With pole vaulting poles confiscated as possible weapons, six-meter vaults have become rare.

Mixed pocket billiards are popular, with gold medalist DeeDee Juggs playing at the top of her game. She is known to have a spectacular rack (shot) and is a master at playing combinations off of her opponent’s balls.


Clint Eastwood and Spike Lee remain at odds in the “casting wars”. They seem to be responding to each other by “in your face” casting. Latest rumors have Lee working on a movie titled “George Bush, Antichrist” in which Bush is played by Eddie Murphy. Eastwood countered with his new project “Martin Luther” and sources say that Larry the Cable Guy has been cast as MLK.

SA (Surround Around) is the newest home entertainment rage. With SA, a center seating circle is surrounded by lifelike effects occurring on all sides. It’s so realistic; it’s like being there. While dramas and nature shows have a strong following, the most popular titles include “Angelina Does Akron” and “Britney Does All 57 States.”

Celebrity Hunt is a hot new reality show where paparazzi are released into a hedge maze to be hunted by two celebrity personalities. The pilot episode starred Naomi Campbell and Tom Cruise. The stars are armed with 500kV Taser stun guns and are anxious to show the paparazzi how much they appreciate the 24/7 stalking. As the game goes on, it becomes more difficult for the celebrities when they must avoid the smoking, charred, paparazzi previously zapped.

With the reinstated Fairness Doctrine in effect, all talk shows have disappeared. The only thing left on radio that consistently gives both sides is Miller Lite’s “Great Taste, Less Filling” commercial running twenty-four hours a day (at least it is the one with the two hot babes wrestling in their underwear).

Current top box office blockbusters reflect the aging of their stars. The hot ones are Indiana Jones and the Flaming Wheelchair of Doom, The Bourne Senility, National Lampoon’s Nudist Colony Vacation, and Harry Potter and the Possessed Dentures.


Abdul’s Airline is the only passenger airline still flying. Fares have increased so much that most ticket purchases now are paid by installment loan. Abdul Air’s rate structure determines fares by fare class, passenger weight, and odds of arrival.

Abdul Air no longer allows checked baggage since cargo space has been reconfigured to carry passengers. Called “Inert Class” seating, the passenger space is not pressurized or heated. Oxygen is available from the attendant for a nominal fee.

Personal mobility utilizes vehicles manufactured by Yugo Ltd. The most popular model, the “Yugo-girl”, runs fine for 28 days, then becomes uncooperative and hard to start for a few days. Yugo recommends that men avoid contact with this model during the cranky period.

Gasoline and diesel fuels have been replaced by an inexpensive renewable resource – i.e., legume (bean) power. Efficiency is excellent; thirty-two ounces (2 16oz cans) of navy beans will power a vehicle for about 400 miles and about $5 will “gas up” (in the truest sense) at any convenience store or truck stop.

Performance-minded drivers will find that jalapeno ranch beans provide maximum power but the excessively hot gasses tend to really, really, burn the exhaust pipe.

Pre-teen male bystanders are cautioned not to light a match in exhaust left behind by a bean-powered vehicle or risk singed eyebrows.

The EPA hasn’t yet figured out why the green gaseous “contrail” following behind a vehicle appears to wilt weeds and kill small rodents. However, they are reluctant to ban the vehicles since millions of highway maintenance dollars are saved by keeping the streets weed-free.

Detractors complain that the vehicles emit foul-smelling fumes, but proponents point to savings over petroleum vehicles – even with their musical exhaust note and safe, but smelly emissions. A marketing slogan offered by the Bean Institute is “Bean power – it’s ok to pass gas (stations).”

To combat competition from alternative fuels, Shell, Mobil, and Exxon introduced a marketing campaign using a pricing model pioneered by food and candy suppliers. They’re publicizing a reduction in the price of gasoline to $2.50gl. Concurrent with the price reduction, the unit of measure was changed from a gallon to a “galun”. Abbreviated “gl”, a galun = 2 quarts.

Sex in the Future

Open-air sex is prohibited. Sex is now restricted to “Booty Bags”. A self-contained, foil-lined sleeping bag for two (or more), the booty bags prevent excessive respiration/perspiration products from escaping into the atmosphere, aggravating global warming, and stinking up the place. It is recommended that the interior of the bag be hosed out after heavy use.

The bags use built-in thermoelectric alternators to convert the captured energy to electricity, and then return excess power not used by the household to the electrical grid. The power company’s marketing includes a catchy slogan: “Boink your way to energy independence.”

A “Solo-Booty” is a smaller bag for individual use. These bags capture energy from personal activity and are outfitted for the three currently recognized genders (four in California). A vigorous user of the “Solo” bag can generate enough energy to entertain a small gathering (i.e., power a party boat, a DJ and sound system, or a Karaoke setup).